A Term Paper on Billy Joel's Greatest Hits Volume I by Steven Stadalnik; Berklee College of Music Songwriting Major
BILLY JOEL'S GREATEST HITS VOLUME I: A DISSERTATION
Here we will discuss the greatest hits of Billy Joel, in an effort to prove the fraudulent nature of his entire catalog.
Billy Joel has sold millions of records, and has millions of adoring fans around the world. But take a closer look at the celebrated songwriter's works and I believe the house of cards begins to fall.
For example, all of the song lyrics on his Greatest Hits Vol 1 album begin to unravel into an incoherent mess when one examines them more closely. Let's dissect some of the selections..
Piano Man
"It's nine o'clock on a Saturday/the regular crowd shuffles in/there's an old man sitting next to me/making love to his tonic and gin".
One can accept the premise that it's nine o'clock on a Saturday. That's the only part of this stanza that makes any sense. But why, if Billy Joel is playing the piano, is there an old man sitting next to him? Pianos are not normally situated in a way that drunk old men can just have a seat at them when there's already a piano player sitting there.
This is followed by the extremely cheap rhyme, "making love to his tonic and gin". Nobody calls a gin and tonic a tonic and gin. You always name the base alcohol first; that is a stone cold fact, sir.
And how is an old man "making love" to his drink? Is it being suggested here that this individual is having sexual relations with his cocktail? Even if you grant Billy Joel poetic license here, it's a stretch. It's just not something people say. "Hey Stan, quit fucking your daiquiri over there and give me a hand with this charcoal".
"He says 'son can you play me a memory'/I'm not really sure how it goes".
Billy Joel knows how to play someone's memories? Memories that belong to a man that says he's not sure how it goes, meaning he can't remember it? How is it a memory if you can't remember it?
"But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man's clothes".
Where is this guy from? "I knew it complete"? Who talks like that? Apparently the old man seated at the piano next to Billy Joel, that's who. "When I wore a younger man's clothes"? Who would say that? You'd just say "when I was younger". If you said to someone in a bar "My memory was better when I wore a younger man's clothes" they'd start backing away from you slowly, to avoid being serial killed.
"Sing us a song you're the piano man"
Even this famous line doesn't really make any sense. If one is known for playing the piano to the extent that he has even been dubbed "piano man", why would people ask him to sing? Wouldn't they ask 'play us the piano, you're the piano man'? It's a bit like saying "Flute us a song, you're the cellist". Or "paint us a fence, you're the plumber".
Let's skip ahead a bit past a couple less offensive stanzas, ignoring the fact that there are tenses that don't match and other incongruities, to this gem:
"Now Paul is a real estate novelist"
Paul is a real estate novelist? A novelist that writes about real estate? That occupation does not exist, sir. Why make up an occupation when there are literally hundreds to choose from that still have the right cadence for this line.
Skip ahead again:
"Now the waitress is practicing politics"
The waitress is practicing politics. You see that all the time, waitresses practicing politics. So many times I have to say "hey waitress, quit practicing politics and bring me my lasagna!".
Captain Jack
"Saturday night and you’re still hangin’ around/Tired of livin’ in your one-horse town/Like to find a little hole in the ground/For a while"
If you're tired of living in a one horse town, why would you aspire to instead live in a hole in the ground? Is that preferable? The only answer is the same answer to any question as to why Billy Joel says what he says: it rhymes.
"So you go to the village in your tie-dye jeans"
Now it is revealed that the one horse town is in fact New York City. I think we can safely there is only one person who holds the opinion that New York City is a one horse town: Billy Joel.
"And you stare at the junkies and the closet queens/It’s just like some pornographic magazine"
That would be some pretty disappointing porn. "Hey Stan (everyone is named Stan) have you seen this issue of "Junkie Porn"?"
"Captain jack will get you high tonight/And take you to your special island/Captain jack will get you by tonight/Just a little push and you’ll be smilin’"
This apparently is a reference to heroin. Heroin doesn't really make you smile though, does it? No one ever says "that Stan, always smiling. It must be the heroin".
"Your sister’s gone out. she’s on a date/You just sit at home and masturbate"
Now you're back home masturbating, thinking about your sister on a date. You certainly are unique. Shouldn't you be out looking for a hole in the ground to live in?
"So you stand on the corner in you new English clothes/And you look so polished from your hair down to your toes"
Again here is a quality that is not normally associated with a heroin addict. In this case it is looking "polished". "Stan is such a polished looking fellow, especially for a heroin addict. And always smiling."
Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)
Right off the bat the title of this song is ridiculous. Why is it parenthetically titled "Anthony's Song" when there's like 7 different characters in it?
Sergeant O'Leary is walkin' the beat/At night he becomes a bartender
That's a difficult premise to go with: a policeman, a sergeant no less, moonlighting as a bartender. I won't say it's never happened, but I imagine being a Sergeant in the New York City area keeps you pretty busy, not to mention well compensated.
Yeah and [Sergeant O'Leary is] tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillacacacacacacacac/You oughta know by now
We oughta know what by now? That Sergeant O'Leary is trading a Chevy for a Cadillac? I think Billy Joel overestimates how many of us are familiar with Sergeant O'Leary and his car ambitions.
And if he can't drive with a broken back/At least he can polish the fenders
That makes very little sense. How has Sergeant O'Leary broken his back in such a way that it prohibits him from driving, but not from polishing the fenders of his Cadillacacacacacacacac? And why would you polish only your fenders? That would be the last area of polishing focus for most people I imagine. I am starting to get angry now.
Scenes From An Italian Restaurant
Again, if you're not violently vomiting from the title of this song alone, you have an iron constitution. The amount of times Billy Joel repeats the names "Brenda and Eddie" in this song is infuriating enough on its own. Billy Joel just wants to write songs with characters in them. And they always have to have to stupid names like Brenda and Eddie. Really have you ever met anyone named Brenda? BRENDA!?!?!? Where are the Stans?
New York State of Mind
This song is Billy Joel saying that he, unlike some folks who vacation in Hollywood or Miami Beach, prefers to vacation in New York City. Fair enough. But to make this point, he claims he'll be happy with simply "taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line" and then follows it up by pointing out that he doesn't care if his eventual destination is Chinatown. At the time this song was written, Billy Joel already lived in New York, so one can only guess as to why he'd want to get on a Greyhound bus to get the place where he already lives. Further, taking a bus along the Hudson River is impossible north of 57th Street when 12th Avenue becomes the Henry Hudson parkway, since buses aren't allowed on New York parkways. The only station in Manhattan from which a Greyhound bus would originate or terminate is Port Authority, which is on West 42nd Street, so in other words Billy Joel would have us believe that he's going to travel to Port Authority, board a Greyhound bus, taking it along the Hudson River which is in the opposite direction of Chinatown from Port Authority, then travel wherever that bus goes the entire route until it terminates again back at Port Authority. Then he's going to get off the bus and somehow get from there to Chinatown, which is inarguably closer to the East River in the first place. Lastly, and perhaps most notably, Chinatown would be a very make a very odd choice for a vacation spot by nearly any standard, particularly for someone who ALREADY LIVES IN NEW YORK. The song is a mess. It's an absolute mess. The fury I am feeling. It's indescribable.
-------------------------
I could go on. But now I am going to go back to working on my own brilliant and criminally under-appreciated masterpieces.
Here we will discuss the greatest hits of Billy Joel, in an effort to prove the fraudulent nature of his entire catalog.
Billy Joel has sold millions of records, and has millions of adoring fans around the world. But take a closer look at the celebrated songwriter's works and I believe the house of cards begins to fall.
For example, all of the song lyrics on his Greatest Hits Vol 1 album begin to unravel into an incoherent mess when one examines them more closely. Let's dissect some of the selections..
Piano Man
"It's nine o'clock on a Saturday/the regular crowd shuffles in/there's an old man sitting next to me/making love to his tonic and gin".
One can accept the premise that it's nine o'clock on a Saturday. That's the only part of this stanza that makes any sense. But why, if Billy Joel is playing the piano, is there an old man sitting next to him? Pianos are not normally situated in a way that drunk old men can just have a seat at them when there's already a piano player sitting there.
This is followed by the extremely cheap rhyme, "making love to his tonic and gin". Nobody calls a gin and tonic a tonic and gin. You always name the base alcohol first; that is a stone cold fact, sir.
And how is an old man "making love" to his drink? Is it being suggested here that this individual is having sexual relations with his cocktail? Even if you grant Billy Joel poetic license here, it's a stretch. It's just not something people say. "Hey Stan, quit fucking your daiquiri over there and give me a hand with this charcoal".
"He says 'son can you play me a memory'/I'm not really sure how it goes".
Billy Joel knows how to play someone's memories? Memories that belong to a man that says he's not sure how it goes, meaning he can't remember it? How is it a memory if you can't remember it?
"But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man's clothes".
Where is this guy from? "I knew it complete"? Who talks like that? Apparently the old man seated at the piano next to Billy Joel, that's who. "When I wore a younger man's clothes"? Who would say that? You'd just say "when I was younger". If you said to someone in a bar "My memory was better when I wore a younger man's clothes" they'd start backing away from you slowly, to avoid being serial killed.
"Sing us a song you're the piano man"
Even this famous line doesn't really make any sense. If one is known for playing the piano to the extent that he has even been dubbed "piano man", why would people ask him to sing? Wouldn't they ask 'play us the piano, you're the piano man'? It's a bit like saying "Flute us a song, you're the cellist". Or "paint us a fence, you're the plumber".
Let's skip ahead a bit past a couple less offensive stanzas, ignoring the fact that there are tenses that don't match and other incongruities, to this gem:
"Now Paul is a real estate novelist"
Paul is a real estate novelist? A novelist that writes about real estate? That occupation does not exist, sir. Why make up an occupation when there are literally hundreds to choose from that still have the right cadence for this line.
Skip ahead again:
"Now the waitress is practicing politics"
The waitress is practicing politics. You see that all the time, waitresses practicing politics. So many times I have to say "hey waitress, quit practicing politics and bring me my lasagna!".
Captain Jack
"Saturday night and you’re still hangin’ around/Tired of livin’ in your one-horse town/Like to find a little hole in the ground/For a while"
If you're tired of living in a one horse town, why would you aspire to instead live in a hole in the ground? Is that preferable? The only answer is the same answer to any question as to why Billy Joel says what he says: it rhymes.
"So you go to the village in your tie-dye jeans"
Now it is revealed that the one horse town is in fact New York City. I think we can safely there is only one person who holds the opinion that New York City is a one horse town: Billy Joel.
"And you stare at the junkies and the closet queens/It’s just like some pornographic magazine"
That would be some pretty disappointing porn. "Hey Stan (everyone is named Stan) have you seen this issue of "Junkie Porn"?"
"Captain jack will get you high tonight/And take you to your special island/Captain jack will get you by tonight/Just a little push and you’ll be smilin’"
This apparently is a reference to heroin. Heroin doesn't really make you smile though, does it? No one ever says "that Stan, always smiling. It must be the heroin".
"Your sister’s gone out. she’s on a date/You just sit at home and masturbate"
Now you're back home masturbating, thinking about your sister on a date. You certainly are unique. Shouldn't you be out looking for a hole in the ground to live in?
"So you stand on the corner in you new English clothes/And you look so polished from your hair down to your toes"
Again here is a quality that is not normally associated with a heroin addict. In this case it is looking "polished". "Stan is such a polished looking fellow, especially for a heroin addict. And always smiling."
Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)
Right off the bat the title of this song is ridiculous. Why is it parenthetically titled "Anthony's Song" when there's like 7 different characters in it?
Sergeant O'Leary is walkin' the beat/At night he becomes a bartender
That's a difficult premise to go with: a policeman, a sergeant no less, moonlighting as a bartender. I won't say it's never happened, but I imagine being a Sergeant in the New York City area keeps you pretty busy, not to mention well compensated.
Yeah and [Sergeant O'Leary is] tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillacacacacacacacac/You oughta know by now
We oughta know what by now? That Sergeant O'Leary is trading a Chevy for a Cadillac? I think Billy Joel overestimates how many of us are familiar with Sergeant O'Leary and his car ambitions.
And if he can't drive with a broken back/At least he can polish the fenders
That makes very little sense. How has Sergeant O'Leary broken his back in such a way that it prohibits him from driving, but not from polishing the fenders of his Cadillacacacacacacacac? And why would you polish only your fenders? That would be the last area of polishing focus for most people I imagine. I am starting to get angry now.
Scenes From An Italian Restaurant
Again, if you're not violently vomiting from the title of this song alone, you have an iron constitution. The amount of times Billy Joel repeats the names "Brenda and Eddie" in this song is infuriating enough on its own. Billy Joel just wants to write songs with characters in them. And they always have to have to stupid names like Brenda and Eddie. Really have you ever met anyone named Brenda? BRENDA!?!?!? Where are the Stans?
New York State of Mind
This song is Billy Joel saying that he, unlike some folks who vacation in Hollywood or Miami Beach, prefers to vacation in New York City. Fair enough. But to make this point, he claims he'll be happy with simply "taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line" and then follows it up by pointing out that he doesn't care if his eventual destination is Chinatown. At the time this song was written, Billy Joel already lived in New York, so one can only guess as to why he'd want to get on a Greyhound bus to get the place where he already lives. Further, taking a bus along the Hudson River is impossible north of 57th Street when 12th Avenue becomes the Henry Hudson parkway, since buses aren't allowed on New York parkways. The only station in Manhattan from which a Greyhound bus would originate or terminate is Port Authority, which is on West 42nd Street, so in other words Billy Joel would have us believe that he's going to travel to Port Authority, board a Greyhound bus, taking it along the Hudson River which is in the opposite direction of Chinatown from Port Authority, then travel wherever that bus goes the entire route until it terminates again back at Port Authority. Then he's going to get off the bus and somehow get from there to Chinatown, which is inarguably closer to the East River in the first place. Lastly, and perhaps most notably, Chinatown would be a very make a very odd choice for a vacation spot by nearly any standard, particularly for someone who ALREADY LIVES IN NEW YORK. The song is a mess. It's an absolute mess. The fury I am feeling. It's indescribable.
-------------------------
I could go on. But now I am going to go back to working on my own brilliant and criminally under-appreciated masterpieces.
