Jake Zavracky Suddenly Decides To Write About the Top Ten Again At the Request of No One.
I haven't written about the top ten since last year, before my band the Dream Eaters became famous, and apparently I only did it twice then, which contradicts my memory of doing it much more often. I am picking it back up and endeavoring to do it weekly, and I imagine there will be much rejoicing. Now that I am an international celebrity, I'll bet people will be excited to hear my many witticisms.
A note: I am using the top ten updated weekly by Billboard in their Spotify playlist. For whatever reason, sometimes that doesn't sync with the Billboard charts in the print magazine. Just in case there's any confusion. No one gives a fuck I'm sure. Now on to the roast:
10. No Guidance - Chris Brown (feat. Drake)
I'm not sure how Chris Brown still has a career especially given the context of the current times but let's put that aside and talk about this song, which is pretty good. Toward the end it sort of putters out, which I like in a weird way. Drake continues to rule the pop charts, despite the fact that he always sounds like he's just about to fall asleep. Sounding bored vocally and not getting too excited seems to be the ruling fashion in pop music.
9. Sunflower - Post Malone and Swae Lee
I like this. This has a chill wave feel with a muted drum sound that really allows the vocals to pop, the highs have been cut so the only thing occupying that space is vocal sheen. I like Swae Lee's voice. America can't seem to get enough Post Malone, which is understandable because he's such an electrifying performer and he has so many great songs. OK I'm being sarcastic, but kidding aside he does sound pretty good on this track.
8. Sucker - The Jonas Brothers
This is the first song that I've ever heard by The Jonas Brothers. Weren't they like a Christian pop group 15 years ago or something? I had heard of them back then but never heard them. I guess they're back now or maybe they never went away. You're thinking "why don't you just Google it?" but no, I'm not going to do that.
I don't really like the concluding line "I'm a sucker for you". That seems like extremely well-worn lyrical territory. But melodically it's very good, executed very well vocally, if pretty saccharin. I wouldn't normally listen to something like this outside of the context of fulfilling my obligation to say hilarious things about it for you.
7. Goodbyes - Post Malone and Young Thug
Sam Smith was too good at goodbyes, now these guys are no good at goodbyes, why can't you kids get goodbyes down? Maybe if you put down your damn phone for a second you youngsters would learn how to communicate.
6. Truth Hurts - Lizzo
"I just took a DNA test and found out 100% that bitch." Love this. In an odd way it reminds me of Sister Nancy's "Bam Bam", which might only be because she goes "bowm bowm" at one point, either way it's a classic. We'll definitely be hearing a lot more from Lizzo.
5. Talk - Khalid and Disclosure
I love Khalid's voice, this has some forward thinking electronic ideas in it which Disclosure always brings to the table.
4. Senorita - Camila Cabelo and Shawn Mendes
These two have good voices, again, somewhat saccharine but this is a good tune.
3. I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber
This is the sole exception to my previous statement about liking almost everything in the top ten this week. It's not terrible but the song's title very accurately describes my feeling about it.
2. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish
This is good. Real good. This woman is 17. I don't know how anyone knows how to be this good when they're 17. When I was 17 I was embarrassing myself at high school talent shows and using too much gel to achieve the most ridiculous hairstyle in the Boston area, and not in a purposefully-ironic way.
1. Old Town Road - Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus
This is immediately arresting. Starts with the incredibly strong hook, and stays fresh throughout. It is a country song. It is definitely a country song. I would love for someone to explain to me how 80% of the songs on the current country charts belong there and this doesn't. It's the most country-sounding country hit I've heard in ages. We all know the real reason.
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This is a pretty unusual top 10 this week because I think all the songs are pretty good, even though I wouldn't listen about half of them normally - but 50% is a very high percentage in the context of recent pop music.
If you're asking "what makes this guy think he's an expert?" listen to this playlist of my band the Dream Eaters on Spotify, and decide either that I have a leg to stand on or no right to say anything at all.
A note: I am using the top ten updated weekly by Billboard in their Spotify playlist. For whatever reason, sometimes that doesn't sync with the Billboard charts in the print magazine. Just in case there's any confusion. No one gives a fuck I'm sure. Now on to the roast:
10. No Guidance - Chris Brown (feat. Drake)
I'm not sure how Chris Brown still has a career especially given the context of the current times but let's put that aside and talk about this song, which is pretty good. Toward the end it sort of putters out, which I like in a weird way. Drake continues to rule the pop charts, despite the fact that he always sounds like he's just about to fall asleep. Sounding bored vocally and not getting too excited seems to be the ruling fashion in pop music.
9. Sunflower - Post Malone and Swae Lee
I like this. This has a chill wave feel with a muted drum sound that really allows the vocals to pop, the highs have been cut so the only thing occupying that space is vocal sheen. I like Swae Lee's voice. America can't seem to get enough Post Malone, which is understandable because he's such an electrifying performer and he has so many great songs. OK I'm being sarcastic, but kidding aside he does sound pretty good on this track.
8. Sucker - The Jonas Brothers
This is the first song that I've ever heard by The Jonas Brothers. Weren't they like a Christian pop group 15 years ago or something? I had heard of them back then but never heard them. I guess they're back now or maybe they never went away. You're thinking "why don't you just Google it?" but no, I'm not going to do that.
I don't really like the concluding line "I'm a sucker for you". That seems like extremely well-worn lyrical territory. But melodically it's very good, executed very well vocally, if pretty saccharin. I wouldn't normally listen to something like this outside of the context of fulfilling my obligation to say hilarious things about it for you.
7. Goodbyes - Post Malone and Young Thug
Sam Smith was too good at goodbyes, now these guys are no good at goodbyes, why can't you kids get goodbyes down? Maybe if you put down your damn phone for a second you youngsters would learn how to communicate.
6. Truth Hurts - Lizzo
"I just took a DNA test and found out 100% that bitch." Love this. In an odd way it reminds me of Sister Nancy's "Bam Bam", which might only be because she goes "bowm bowm" at one point, either way it's a classic. We'll definitely be hearing a lot more from Lizzo.
5. Talk - Khalid and Disclosure
I love Khalid's voice, this has some forward thinking electronic ideas in it which Disclosure always brings to the table.
4. Senorita - Camila Cabelo and Shawn Mendes
These two have good voices, again, somewhat saccharine but this is a good tune.
3. I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber
This is the sole exception to my previous statement about liking almost everything in the top ten this week. It's not terrible but the song's title very accurately describes my feeling about it.
2. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish
This is good. Real good. This woman is 17. I don't know how anyone knows how to be this good when they're 17. When I was 17 I was embarrassing myself at high school talent shows and using too much gel to achieve the most ridiculous hairstyle in the Boston area, and not in a purposefully-ironic way.
1. Old Town Road - Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus
This is immediately arresting. Starts with the incredibly strong hook, and stays fresh throughout. It is a country song. It is definitely a country song. I would love for someone to explain to me how 80% of the songs on the current country charts belong there and this doesn't. It's the most country-sounding country hit I've heard in ages. We all know the real reason.
------------------
This is a pretty unusual top 10 this week because I think all the songs are pretty good, even though I wouldn't listen about half of them normally - but 50% is a very high percentage in the context of recent pop music.
If you're asking "what makes this guy think he's an expert?" listen to this playlist of my band the Dream Eaters on Spotify, and decide either that I have a leg to stand on or no right to say anything at all.
